Private livesRelationships This article is more than 15 years oldCan we go on not living together?
This article is more than 15 years oldMy boyfriend and I have been together for five years, and love each other, but I feel that I am too young to move in with him. I wonder if we can continue like this and worry about what other people thinkI am 24 and my boyfriend is 26. We have been together for almost five years. We have been on holiday together, get on well with each other's parents and friends and love each other deeply. However, we have never lived together. We rarely even spend the night together, as we live quite a distance apart and our workplaces aren't close either. This has no particular effect on our sex life but obviously reduces the time we spend together. Neither of us wishes to move to the area in which the other lives.
We did discuss living together a few years ago but I felt too young to make such a commitment. I honestly still feel too young to move in with someone now, but because of the length of time we've been together, it seems silly not to and it is embarrassing to discuss my living/relationship arrangements with colleagues and acquaintances. I don't know how much longer we can stay together without living together. I can't tell whether I am not ready to live with him or whether I'm just used to this arrangement. I'm so accustomed to sleeping alone that I find it difficult to get a good night's sleep when sharing a bed, so this puts me off moving in with my boyfriend too. Am I being unreasonable?
How does he feel?
Have you talked to your boyfriend to find out how he feels about your situation? You make little mention of his feelings, although you refer to your own awkwardness when describing your arrangements to other people - which in itself is scant reason to rush into anything.
Are you and your boyfriend happy? Your opinions and feelings about how you live are what is important here and it doesn't matter how other people see things. Talk to each other openly to see where you stand.
LS, Tipperary, Ireland.
Do what feels right for you
My boyfriend and I are in our late 20s and, despite being a deeply in love, committed and happy couple, neither of us has any desire to live together. Friends and families find it odd, and their curiosity sometimes feels like criticism of us for being independent and unwilling to live in each other's pockets.
Congratulate yourself for doing what feels right rather than what others think you should do - they are probably threatened by your strength.
Name and address withheld
The best of both worlds
Living together does not have to be an inevitable step in a relationship. There is a lot to be said for retaining your own living space, personality and bank account. You will miss out on the myriad niggles which arise from being constantly in the company of someone else; you will always have plenty to talk about when you meet, and you will be seeing each other because you want to.
I am the veteran of a failed marriage and a failed cohabitation, but have been with my current partner for 15 years and we have never felt the need to share a house. A surprising result of this arrangement is that a number of married and cohabiting friends look at us in envy. I have lost count of the number of times I have been told I have the best of both worlds.
MM, Glasgow
Freedom to be your own person
You both sound sensible, sorted and thoughtful. You clearly like and respect each other very much, enjoy good sex, and are both aware of what you want from life. Why should your domestic arrangements be anyone else's business? I'm older than you, and I think you'll find, as the years go by, that those who think you are "odd" because you don't live together are the ones who are secretly envious of the freedom that each of you has to be your own person. I'd bet on the fact that you guys will still be together, in a loving and supportive relationship, for many years to come - long after the cohabiting couples you know now have fallen apart in resentment and bitterness. Don't live together. It's apparent that you both know what is right for you as a couple, so get on with enjoying each other and your relationship. You are good together, living apart.
Name and address withheld
Get over your embarrassment
I married at 20 and have just celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary. Our marriage has not been without bumps on the way but, ultimately, I made a wonderful choice and
I could have missed out on a lot if I hadn't made this decision. So, for me, 24 is not too young to live with someone. But if you feel that it is for you, then you have to analyse why that is, and have confidence in your analysis. Setting up home with a partner involves compromise and often the squashing of some ambition and freedom by one or both of you. Moving in together when you don't love the other person enough to change your life, or when you want too many other incompatible things, isn't fair on the other person. But if you stay apart, you'll just have to get over your embarrassment about your arrangements. Doing what other people think is appropriate is just too Victorian for words. And if you think that separate beds are necessary for a good night's sleep even if you do move in together, that's up to you too.
RR, Kent
What the expert thinks - Linda Blair
You ask if you're being unreasonable. I don't think reason has much to do with this. You're trying to decide how to live your life - and furthermore, none of your choices breaks any laws or deliberately harms anyone else. This is, therefore, not so much about reason as it is about personal preference.
The best way to start is to clarify your personal priorities. What matters most to you? Is it your career? Is it your personal freedom to come and go as you please, and to make decisions without having to accommodate others? Or is it to share your life with someone? Once you've established your priorities, you'll be in a much better position to decide what to do. For example, if your personal freedom is most important, then it doesn't make sense to move in with your boyfriend because it sounds like that will necessitate compromise. Anyway, at least for now, it sounds like you have your freedom, and a lover as well.
If, however, what's most important to you is to share your life with someone else, then there may be a problem. I say this because you mentioned that you and your boyfriend talked about living together a few years ago, and it sounds like he wanted it to happen but you didn't. The fact that he's not brought it up since that time doesn't necessarily mean he no longer wants it to happen. Instead, it may be that he's afraid to mention it in case you feel he's pushing you too hard. If so, although he may not mention it, it will continue to trouble him. By writing to us, you are indicating that you sense your boyfriend's disquiet around this issue. So, if your relationship is a priority, you need to raise this issue with your boyfriend. You may be pleasantly surprised to discover that he's happy with things just as they are - and if so, your dilemma is solved. You merely need to agree to talk about things periodically, to make sure you're both still happy with your living arrangements.
However, if your boyfriend is unhappy with the status quo, then it would relieve the tension to talk things through and find a compromise. If neither of you is prepared to move, you need only consider where and how you spend your time together at weekends and during holidays - and it sounds like you already manage those occasions happily.
It might be, however, that he's so dissatisfied with the situation that he's willing to move so that you can live together.Even then there are possibilities that could satisfy you both. For example, you may consider sharing the same address but not the same bedroom. Other couples choose to live this way. They're usually in perfectly healthy relationships and many say that this way of living actually makes their sex life better because, by sleeping apart, sex is an event and something that is chosen rather than inevitable. Another possibility is simply to live nearer to one another. Or you could each rent a small flat, and buy a shared property that you'll live in during weekends and holidays, if your finances allow that. There are endless possibilities - but it's important to talk things through.
Finally, try to forget about what colleagues and acquaintances think about your personal living arrangements. Their opinion of the way you run your private life shouldn't influence your decisions in this sphere at all.
Next week: Is it a mistake to want a family?
For as long as I can remember I've had an overpowering longing for love and a family of my own. I grew up in a dysfunctional household and was an introverted kid, then a troubled teenager and, although I believe I have managed to grow into a pretty decent 35-year-old despite the odds, I still haven't got a partner and children.
The concept of relationships is alien to me. I have never been in a functional one - I have only been with two men- and it's dawned on me that I have idealised the concept due to my lack of experience, which in turn is the result of my fear of rejection and heartbreak.
More to the point, I am terrified of ending up with a man like my father, who is emotionally detached. He drove my mother to extremes, psychologically. I have always been fiercely independent and remain so, but, at the same time, I lack confidence and feel I am an underachiever, despite doing well academically and in some other areas of my life too. Am I wrong in thinking that it's a mistake on my part to want a family when clearly it is not meant to happen? How does one overcome fear and start living life? How can I start believing in myself, so that others will do too?
Private Lives appears every Thursday. You are invited to respond to this week's main problem. If you would like fellow readers and Linda Blair to answer a dilemma of yours, send us an outline of the situation of around 250 words. For advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns. All correspondence should reach us by Tuesday morning: email private.lives@theguardian.com (please don't send attachments) or write to Private Lives, The Guardian, 119 Farringdon Road, London EC1R 3ER.
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